“Don’t Engage” and “Don’t Apologize” are two things that Dr. R, my therapist is always saying to me when my daughter and I have a “discussion.”
Easier said than done. In the heat of an argument, I am continually trying to be the “boss” and the “parent” and bend my daughter’s will to do what I ask. As you can imagine, this does not always work, actually most times it doesn’t work.
A few weeks ago, Dr R, suggested I touch or hug my daughter when these “discussions” escalate. I, of course, wrote this piece of advice down and made a mental note. I am sure I thought it was a good idea at the time but…
Last week, I actually tried hugging my daughter when we were having an argument about my asking her do to something and she did not want to do it. When my daughter starts to argue, she literally can just keep interuppting and arguing back at me and get up in my face so much so I feel like it WWE match. I have no idea why but something kicked in and I reached out and hugged her really tight.
After about 10 seconds, she stopped squirming and asked “why are you hugging me?” I said, “I am hugging you because I love.” I have tried this technique twice and it has worked both times. Needless to say that by hugging my daughter it stops us the situation from escalating on both sides. We both immediately calm down. I am less frustrated which stops the next logical action, yelling (yes, I yell.)
The key to this technique is that I HAVE to break my habit of engaging of trying to reason with an unreasonable person and more importantly, REMEMBER TO HUG my daughter when I feel she is starting to disagree/argue with me.
For those of you who are new to the site, here are the previous Therapy Thursday posts.
Therapy Thursday – The First Session
Therapy Thursday – Therapy Goals
Therapy Thursday – What I have learned so far
Therapy Thursday – Hurry Up: Rewards and Consequences
