Fears of Meeting the Birth Mother – An Adoptive Moms’s Perspective

Monterey Bay California

Fear of Meeting My Daughter’s Birth Mother

My daughter and I have had several discussions about meeting her birth mother. Up until now, every post has been from her perspective but today, I thought I would shed some light on what’s been rattling around in my head off and on for that last few months regarding how I feel about eventually meeting my daughter’s birth mother.

For those not familiar with my adoption story, my daughter’s birth mother chose not to meet me. While I had no interest in meeting her and was actually happy that she made that decision, I knew I would be flying blind about how to answer questions my daughter would and has asked me (e.g. do I look like my birth mother?, do you think I look like my birth father, etc.)

So here just a few of the things I worry about or think about my daughter’s birth mother. Interesting, how the focus is always on the birth mother.

• When the time comes, will she want to meet my daughter? Anything is possible, right.
• Will she still be alive? I am going to assume she will be alive, since she is now in her late 20’s, but again, one never knows.
• Will my daughter have a half- sibling? Odds are, yes.
• And if she does have half-siblings, how will I address her sense of abandonment she might feel that her birth mother decided to keep her other children?
• Did her mother get her act together? According to the adoption agency, she wanted to go college. I hope she did. I do know one thing, she was mature enough to know at 19 years old, she was not capable of taking care of a baby. So kudos to her.
• And what if she did not get her act together? I honestly have no idea what her economic or social status was so I am equally at loss as to conjecture what her life turned out to be. And if it didn’t turn out so nice, will my daughter have some type of survivor’s guilt that “wow I am lucky I am adopted because my life is better than if I had not been adopted.”

And for the record, I am not worried that my daughter will like/love her birth mother more than me. I actually asked my daughter that once and her response, “How can I love her, you raised me, I don’t even know her?”

As I often tell my daughter, we will cross that bridge when we get to it. And trust me, I am pushing this meeting off as long as I can because I live on a river called denial.