I will admit that I don’t always remember every little thing that is going on in my personal life. Two years ago, I forgot my daughter’s godmother’s birthday dinner because I had forgotten to put the date on the calendar and had to rush out without makeup or showering arriving to restaurant 20 minutes late (I rarely pay for taxis.)
That said, dealing with my teenage daughter is another thing all together, I feel like every time I agree to something, my daughter comes back with some nuanced comment I don’t recall.
You may say, what kind of parenting is going on here. Let me set the record straight! Whatever she thinks I agreed to, I am positive I did not agree to it. I am sure I respond to every request or ask like a politician using vague words like “I will consider it” or “Let’s cross that bridge when we get to it.” But the arguments and the yelling (me) just goes on and just ends up with me losing my temper or being frustrated.
Yes, I agree that my daughter should just be quiet but do you have a teenager? If your teenager doesn’t argue with you, good for you (and I don’t say that sarcastically but with envy.) My daughter for better or worse is a world class debater. If only she would use her debate skills for good like the debate team. Alas, I digress.
I decided just like decisions that are made in work meetings, I would send a recap of our discussions that clearly states what was discussed, action items and either a recourse of not following through or reward of accomplishing all the items.
My daughter must send back an email that she agrees with what was communicated in the email.
Does that sound extreme? Maybe but frankly I would rather have documentation so there is never a dispute in what was discussed. I would make her sign it but thought that was over kill. But who knows, maybe Judge Judy will have a show one day where she mediates teens and their parents.
I Would love to hear your thoughts on how you resolve arguments with your teen. And if your teen just follows through on what you discuss, again count yourself luck from this envious parent.
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No, that doesn’t sound extreme at all. I actually LOVE this idea. My oldest is 12 and we argue about what was and wasn’t agreed upon all the time. I think I am going to start documenting it from now on, too.
Thanks I of course just have to continue to remember to do it.
The teen years can certainly be difficult. Seems they disagree with any words that come out of their mom’s mouth. Fortunately, the teen years go by pretty fast and now my kids are all adults that I’m so proud of and I tend to look back at those teenage years with 20/20 vision. 🙂
I know when my daughter is older and in college, the teen years will seem like distant memory but it will be a long 4 years.
Two of my kids were debaters. I like your ideas. We always have family council with all the kids together to air out stuff. We also had one on one family council every month or more if needed with our children. They now do this with their kids.
Family council been there done that. That did not seem to work because I wasn’t very good at following through!
These are great ideas. I am just starting to work through this. My oldest is almost 13 going on 18 and acts as such. She hates to “discuss” things and always feels we are lecturing. We try out best, but I just have to remember to be patient!
i try to not to lecture because my dad was a lecturer. I do try to have conversations which is so hit and miss!! And yes patience is so hard!!
My twins have just entered their tween years so I’m keeping an eye out now for tips on dealing with the teen years which will be here before you know it. I don’t know though engaging in contracts with your children seems like it would further widen the gap between a parent and child feeling comfortable with talking and make the relationship more cold and rigid. I’ll have to think about this topic some more.
Twins!!! Help you!! I talk to my daughter all the time but as I said, it somehow gets twisted around!!
So true. Teens nowadays think that they are entitled to everything. I agree that parent-teen should talk, commit and agree to something. Building relationship through communication is also important.
How did they become so entitled? I am so sure I have some part in it but I hear from other parents as well.
I don’t have a full-fledged teen yet, but our oldest is a full-on tweenager now. He’s always been an incredible debater, but it just amplifies each year. I find that I have to find the right balance between letting him feel heard, but not letting him go on lengthy rants. The struggle is real!
I totally get the balance especially at this age. I am always going a million miles a minute and multi tasking not be distracted to listen when my daughter is actually talking to me. The struggle is real indeed!
I don’t think it’s extreme at all. Every parent has to do what’s wight for their child. My son constantly have discussions and we make sure that neigther one of us goes to bed upset.
My kids are still young (only 3 and 5) and sometimes I get nervous about what the teenage years have in store for us lol. It’s always important to keep communicating and continue to build a great relationship.
I think this sounds like a pretty good idea! Helps to make sure everyone is on the same page and understands what is said!
Teens seem to think that they are lawyers sometimes. It sounds like you have found something that works for you and your daughter!
I know how important documentation is in business. However, it can also be used for personal purposes. Thanks for sharing!
Arguing with a teen has to be difficult. Some of them arguing is just them trying to express their own individuality, which you do not want to stifel. You just have to distinguish between the types of arguing that they are doing. It’s never easy though as they are arguing.
I love the idea of documenting things – it avoids the “but you said” “No I didn’t” conversation! I will be using this with my 16 year old
I wont lie I was a debative teen like your daughter. Its interesting being a teen but thats an interesting spin on how you document your arguments with your daughter via email.
I have survived that phase of parenting! Amazing huh? Anyway, when my kids were teenagers, we’d mark the calendar on the date we had agreed on something, and write a brief summary of the discussion. Guess what, at the end of the year, I did not throw those calendars. I kept it for future reference. Haha. Now that they are all grown, I guess it would be safe to throw those calendars in the trash.
Once your child gets into their teenage years, you better be prepared to hold a daily argument with them. I don’t think you did a harsh thing, documenting what has been discussed and asking them to acknowledge the document stating what you have both agreed upon. I would have done the same thing if my kids were still teenagers today.
We used to have to sign agreements with my mother. Even if we made a bet, it had to be signed haha!
Each parent has to do what works for them. My Mom always said nothing was official until it was on her calendar. Now I put everything on my calendar.