Dealing With A Classmate’s Parent’s Death #ParentingisHard

This past week, as I came through the door my daughter immediately ran to hug me ( Sadly, this is not the norm for my 9 year old) and told me she had to tell me some news. Now as any mom of a tween girl knows, the news always seems to be “so and so isn’t talking to me or “so and so is being mean to me” but her  face said something different.

As she started to talk, she started crying saying that Danny’s mom died last weekend. I can honestly say that I do not know the parents very well but it came as a total shock since I had just seen the mom the week before and she looked happy and in the peak of health. My daughter handed me a note from the principal explaning the situation and detailing the funeral times if the kids wanted to attend. In the end, I decided not to attend the funeral or sit shiva as we did not really know her.

While I had my own feelings about literally the second person in their late 30s/early 40’s to die in recent weeks, I was perplexed by my daughter’s hysteria regarding the situation. She finally explained how nice Danny’s mom was to her on a couple of field trips and read her stories on Publishing Day. Who knew? The woman barely interacted with the other parents or me. As I mentioned, I really did not know her except to say hi.  My gut feeling is that my daughter  started thinking about what would happen to her if something happened to me and who would take care of her which is a normal reaction.

The last few days emotionally has been tough and looking back I wished we at least go to sit shiva because I found out some of her classmates had gone. I think this would have helped her deal with it a bit. I know that she and the little boy are too close given that the separation of boys and girls at this age but they have been in two grades together so I know she is sensitive ti his situation awaiting his return to class.

Here are few tips I have learned to help your child deal with death of someone close to them:

• Listen to your child’s comments – We all get busy but it is important to actually listen to what they have to say at that moment.
• Provide Assurance  that she is not alone in what she is feeling and she should feel free to express herself. My daughter gets the sad face so I know she needs a hug or kiss.
• Be available when they need you – Children act in odd ways with bad news. It might not impact them now but they may have questions when you least expect it. My daughter may not bring up “serious” topics at dinner but loves to bring them up on our walk to school so listen for the cues.
• Be calm – Children mimic their parents and take their cues from you so stay calm when they are talking to you. I seriously had to keep it together when I was reading the note from school because I mentioned I just seen her and it was surreal to internalize my recent interaction with the mom and now her sudden death and she was younger than me.
• Be supportive when they want to memorialize or do something for the bereaved. My daughter was insistent on getting to school early to write Welcome Back for her classmate.
• Look for bonding moments to make your child feel safe and loved – Our nighttime routine has been modified a bit for snuggling and just plain talking about our day.

Have you had to explain death to your child? Please feel free to provide any additional tips to help children cope with the loss of a loved one.