I have been on a diet since I was 15 years old, yes 15. Right now, I am at the heaviest I have ever been and working to lose the weight, eat healthier and exercise more, that’s all about me. So imagine having to deal with weight issues my entire life and trying hard not to project my weight and self-esteem issues upon my tween daughter.
During my daughter’s annual check up, her pediatrician who I adore told us that she is in the 95% percentile in both height and weight. In now way did she say, my daughter needed to lose weight or that she was fat but told her that she needed to eat more vegetables, watch that she doesn’t eat a lot of sweets, watch less television, play less video games and get outside more. Good advice for all us.
Frankly, I think 95% in weight percentile means she could stand to lose a few pounds and curb her portion size when she eats. I have never said that but try to get her to eat more veggies and curb how much I make so she and I don’t over eat.
Now fast forward a couple of weeks later. We were out to dinner with Daddy Mitch (of gaynycdad.com), his husband and their son. Now mind you, my daughter and Mitch’s son went to grade school together and are pretty much used to hanging out with each otehr. And over the years, Mitch and I, respectively joked about our kids when we are together.
As my daughter began to order her usual 4 pork buns (yes, 4), I made a comment to remind her what her pediatrician said about watching what she ate. I really did not think when I made the comment, that it was a particularly scolding comment. I was wrong!!
After the dinner, my daughter asked me in truly scolding tone, “why did you have to say that, that’s embarrassing and personal?”
And of course, this happened after I just published 8 Tips to Building Self-Esteem in Tween and Teen Girls.
I really felt bad, seriously. I was used to Mitch and I kidding about our kids that I just didn’t realize how it would impact her especially given her age.
But she was right, it was personal information and I should not have joked about in front others especially a boy even if it is someone she has known for years.
According to dosomething.org, ” 7 in 10 girls believe that they are not good enough or don’t measure up in some way, including their looks, performance in school and relationships with friends and family members.*”
Have you ever publicly said or embarrassed your child that you regretted?
Disclosure: NYC Single Mom was not compensated for this post. Sources: www.dosomething.org/11-facts-about-teens-and-self-esteem and mentor-center.org
you shouldnt be so hard on yourself.
Why are you letting your daughter tell you how to parent? Someone needs to tell her that 4 pork buns is too much. You need to be the adult in the relationship and do that. She will push back because that is what teenagers do. She has obviously figured out that you can be handled by putting you on a guilt trip. Stop caring so much what your child thinks of you and start caring more about teaching her good habits and self-control.
You’re welcome.
The point of the post was that I told her not to eat the pork buns in front of others and embarrassing her in front of her friend. I have told her many times that eating that many pork buns is not healthy and to eat in moderation. She now only eats one when we go for Chinese.
That’s pretty harsh and critical. Here’s a mom who is struggling with a situation and you bash her and get all judge-y? I don’t think this is about a guilt trip at all. She was embarrassed and she let her mom know that. I’ve been in the same exact situation (with my grandmother) and it is mortifying. I wanted to disappear. I can’t put into words, really, how awful that makes you feel.
I don’t want mom to feel too bad, though, because you had no intention of being hurtful (and you cared that your comment WAS hurtful). But you’re aware of it now, and you want to change your approach…you’ve already got my grandmother beat, who said it was my fault that she said something hurtful and embarrassing. After all, I was the one who was overweight, who was eating more than she should…so she had zero blame in humiliating me in front of my whole family. Right?
I must have missed the memo about how being sensitive to and considerate of your child’s feelings is bad parenting. Btw, it’s also pretty rude to suggest that this woman’s child is being dishonest about her feelings and is only playing on them to manipulate her mother. Isn’t it *possible* that she really was embarrassed, and felt bad about the comment? This isn’t about eating this or that, it’s about how you treat people who eat this or that. And saying that she needs to be taught self-control is fat-shaming as well. If only all the overweight people in America had self-control, huh?
Bull. This mom is absolutely right to acknowledge that she did something hurtful and to apologize to her daughter. It wasn’t purposeful, but it was hurtful. She’s doing parenting right. That’s not “letting your child tell you how to parent.” That’s allowing your child to have opinions, and respecting her right to privacy. It sounds to me as if her daughter was reasonably respectful. She wasn’t cursing her mom out or shouting. It’s as important for teens and tweens to learn how to express themselves and set personal boundaries within relationships without being disrespectful or obnoxious, as it is for parents to set boundaries and demand respect from their teens. They learn the behaviors we model. This Mom is modeling respect and empathy, as well as setting boundaries. That’s what good parents do.
I think all parents have accidentally shamed their child in front of others before. I went through a chubby period in my early teen years and I had one uncle that would tell me (in front of everyone) that I was so beautiful, but I needed to lose a few lbs. If he only knew the hurt and embarrassment that caused.
What you did was just a common mom thing and your daughter will get over it and you learned a lesson. We all make parenting mistakes, so don’t beat yourself up. And thanks for reminding me to watch what I say to my kids. Great post!
I agree with Alli that we may have accidentally shamed our children in front of others. It may not have been intentional because we only want to be good parents and remind them of what to eat and what not to eat. Don’t be too hard on yourself, she’ll get over it and be mindful of what she eats next time.
thanks.
My sons are six and three and right now have self esteem as high as the clouds, there’s no breaking that right now. But I know that won’t always be the case. I do tend to talk about my kids with my kids there to other moms and dads, so I can see this might have to change eventually, I’m not trying to embarress my child, I’m usually just trying to gain information or see if another parent can relate.
I don’t have any kids yet, but that is something I would dread as well. I actually struggled with an eating disorder when I was younger, and it is something I would be very afraid about in my child.
I don’t think you should be so hard on yourself either. I don’t think it’s anything she will take to heart for a long time.
Thank you. I think as parents, we want to be supportive and look out for their best interests but the flip side is to make sure our words dont have an adverse affect on them like them developing an eating disorder.
I have to believe that we all have embarrassed our kids at one point or another. We say or do something that embarrasses them and they address us later about it than we feel so bad. I had dropped my son off at school and gave him a kiss on the cheek. I believe he was like 12 years old at the time. He gave me the dirtiest look and said don’t do that. There was some classmates that seen me do it or he thought they seen it. Thanks for sharing.
The public kissing, yikes. I havent gotten that look, so sad, right.
I think my Mom has done something like that especially when I was growing up but I have always been sure that she meant well. There were times that I found it annoying but I guess moms will always be moms. Try not to be too hard on yourself, you were only concerned about your daughter. It’s not a parenting fail moment.
Thanks for the support. Its funny my mom was the opposite insisting on “cleaning our plate.”
I’m a little shocked by a comment above, but there’s always that one.
I don’t think this was fat shaming at all. You are her mother and you told her like it was. I personally would have said it quietly and to just her, but you are her mother and looking out for her and whats good for her. 4 pork buns? Not so good.
4 pork buns is bad although they are pretty yummy. She has definitely cut down to 1.
I’m only 23 so I don’t have kids but I think you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. Your comment wasn’t meant to be rude it was a joke. Although I can understand why she’d be embarrassed. If anything, this was a learning experience <3
it was a learning experience for me.
Hugs, mama. Sounds like you did it out of love, and the teen years are hard!
Yes- I have probably said things on accident that embarrassed my children. I think it is so tough on teens this day with the way everything is now.
Girls have it so hard. My wife reminds me all the time. Even if you’re confident there’s so much telling you otherwise.
I think that, as parents, we all have to be careful not just of what we say but where and how we say it. We all make mistakes, and I think we cop to it, apologize to the kids when we feel like we messed up and then move forward thankful that we haven’t made any mistakes tomorrow (yet)!
No judgement here, you doing the best you can. You recognize what you did and were open to dialogue about the issue between you and you child.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. The important thing is that you recognize it and support your daughter
I think all parents accidentally embarrass their kids at some point, but in your case you learned a valuable lessson. It was a mistake though, so learn from it and forgive yourself.
I do not have kids so I have never had a chance to do that but my cousins used to do it to me when we were young, thank the heavens I have a thick head it never sunk in but that statement is so true.
My daughter is only 3, but this is totally something I’m scared about in the future! I also have a habit of talking about my daughter to other people while she’s right there, usually it’s all good, cute or funny, but I know the day will come when I say the wrong thing and she’s old enough to know what I said… Ahhhh…. Don’t be too hard on yourself! I think we all go threw similar things as parents 😉