Helicopter mom is not a word I would describe myself. I hardly hover over my daughter even when she was toddler following her every move. That said, I do have a tendency to get involved in the little spats that happen on play dates. I am not sure if I just want to the other parent to think I am good parent or I have an tad bit of an underlying fear that if I don’t step in that my daughter will evolve into a bully. Who knows but all I know is that every time, my daughter has a play date when either or both children come to me with “he/she said or did something”, I have to get involved, listen and then make a decision on how to resolve it.
I thought that’s what we as parents were supposed to do. Independence, resolve it yourself, duh, there 4, 5, 6, 7, year olds, how are they supposed to resolve.
Until that fateful vacation with another single mom last year. Her son is the same age as my daughter and it’s obvious they have a love/hate relationship. As we were relaxing on our beach chairs, they both came running up to us, both talking at the same time “She did this and he did that.”
As I started usual m.o. of mothering, “let’s calm down, each of you tell me what happened”, my friend grab me by the arm and said “we did not see what happened, you have to resolve yourself.” The kids sort of stood there stunned and my friend basically shooed them away and they left.
She said to me, “You need to let them figure it out, we really didn’t see anything, what are you going to say and whose side are you going to take, who the hell knows what really happened” and she went back to reading her book.
As I sat there in my own stunned amazement, I realized she was right. How the hell did I know what really happened. So since then I have used that tact for the most part.
But at times, I slip up. During a weekend with friends, my daughter and her BFF were yapping about god only knows what and I heard my daughter arguing with her friend about some song and in essence telling her she was wrong. Now I not heard the beginning of the conversation but I just didn’t like her “sassy” tone.
I said to my daughter, “I don’t think is a nice way to say that and don’t you think” and before I could finish my sentence, my daughter said
“Don’t get involved mom, we will work it out and you don’t even know what we are talking about.”
Well she told me and she was right, I had no idea what was happening in the conversation and why did I resort to my old habit. Who knows! But as girls do, a minute later I heard them whispering and laughing in the corner.
lol, Linda, I always enjoy reading these little anecdotes about your daughter and her friends, and the lesson you take from them. I’m truly taking notes, as I know my day will come soon.
I suspect I may be the hovering type of mom, but knowing that, will defintiely try to “catch” myself when I see it happening.
My oldest is 8 and I know that one day I will be told to mind my own business one day by my children, just as I told my mother when I was a teenager. I know as moms, we wont always be needed to make things right but all I ask is can they warn me before this happens so I can prepare myself for facing the fact that they are growing up and growing independent.
I think I missed how old your tween is, but if she knows she can handle it, I say let her. We’ve got to let them be independent and learn to work things out. But I won’t lie, I do speak up when I don’t like my daughter’s tone.
She is 8 and I am SLOWLY getting it.