Amy Chua with her daughters (credit: WSJ)
Tiger mom, Amy Chua, I am not, but I certainly aspire to be more like her. For the uninitiated (or as I kid my friends, those of you living under a rock), Tiger Mom, Amy Chua, who is Asian- American married to a Jewish man has two daughters Sophia and Luisa (Lulu), now ages 18 and 14, respectively, first entered our consciousness and the media from her Wall Street article titled “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior” which was the teaser to her book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother
In the article, she stated that never allowed her daughters the following:
- Attend a sleepover
- Have a playdate
- Be in a school play
- Watch TV or play computer games
- Choose their own extracurricular games
- Get any grad less than an A
- Not be the No. 1 student in every subject, except gym and drama
- Play any instrument other than the piano or violin
- Not play the piano or violin
You think to your self, this list sounds somewhat restrictive but the list is not what send the judgmental bloggers/media on a tear it was numerous incidents cited in the article that made people go crazy.
Here are the original comments that sent the media, the blogosphere into a lather, led to death threats, calls of child abuse and comparing her to Mommie Dearest, “no more wire hangers” Joan Crawford.
- She called her daughter “garbage” when she was disrespectful. Apparently, her Chinese father did this to her as a child and it worked.
- When her 7 year old daughter, refused to continue playing a piano piece to her mother’s perfect standard. Ms. Chua threatened her with everything in the book from telling her she was donating her dollhouse, refusing her lunch, dinner, birthday parties. This did not work. Even though the girl tried to play the piece, her mother still was not happy and called her “lazy, self-indulgent and pathetic”. Now at this point, the husband does step and argue that he did not think that this tactic was working and even though the younger daughter played the piece, the two girls are different. She basically blew him and continued. She would not even let the girl go to the bathroom. Finally the girl got it right and began playing better and more confidently.
- She also refused a handmade birthday card that her four year old daughter made saying it was not good enough.
- There was incident that she threatened to burn one daughter’s stuffed animal.
Ok, out of control name calling and threats are not for me or something I aspire but there is something to be said about her ideas on her restrictions and her expectations that are worth considering and I certainly would like emulate.
- I agree that sleepovers while fun do nothing but upset the daily routine which takes days to get back to normal. In addition, and yes this is controlling, I have no idea how the other children are behaving at a sleepovers. Yes, there is something to be said about socialization but kids pick up the oddest ideas and habits when they are with other children. In addition, you have to deal with the “J has a dog, why can’t I, B has a flat screen tv why cant have one?” and so on.
- Be in a school play – again sounds like fun idea, right. What’s wrong with indulging your child’s creative side, you say. Per Ms. Chua, she is right, you know what being in a school play is commitment and time. Time away from school work and studying. Unless your child has aspirations to attend Yale Drama School, acting in a play takes time away from doing homework and additional prep for school. Drama is not going to your kid into a good school, sorry to say.
- Why should your child choose their own extracurricular activity? If my daughter had her way, she would be taking art classes every day after school or still taking baby ballet. I moved my daughter into more formal ballet because she needed the discipline of ballet not the mamby pampby let’s run around class. For 60 minutes, she has to stand at a ballet bar and focus on her positions, standing correctly and most importantly, focusing. This goes for her swimming class. Now her classes consist of doing laps with a pretty strict teacher. I can’t tell you how many parents have dropped out because their kids whined about the teacher or how boing doing laps was boring. This goes for ballet. I know one girl who dropped out because the teacher was strict. Good grief. I agree with Ms. Chua, you can not let your child give up so easily and practice does make perfect.
- No TV and computers – Yes, I agree but sadly I don’t adhere to much to this one and it’s basically laziness on my part. We don’t do either during the week which is good but the weekends are a free for all. I am busy doing errands, cleaning, weekend stuff and I let my daughter overindulge. I basically have to set my alarm so that she knows she has to stop and read or do math worksheets otherwise she would be watching TV or playing Wii all day. Maybe if our kids were reading more and doing more math drills, we could keep up the Chinese, Indians, South Koreans and Japanese who are much better at math than we are.
- Get any grade less than A – This one is tough one. Not every kid is going to get an A. That said, I agree that the expectation must be there that my child will do the best they can to focus in class and to get good grades. Also I think as a parent I am pretty hyper-vigilant that my daughter gets the extra work she needs. I know as women and I remember distinctly from high school that math and girls are a bad combination. If it’s not nurtured young and girls aren’t made to feel confident about being good at math then you are going to get the “I am not good at math” comment. I absolutely refuse to let that happen. Since I can remember, I have told my daughter she is going to college and in order to go to a good school like NYU, you need good grades. Again expectations, not just do your best but do it, period.
- Practice, practice, practice and rote are good things – Ms. Chua is right in that Westerners have some crazy notion that rote memorization is bad. The NY department of education seems to have thrown practice, practice, practice out the window in favor of “show your work” TERC math. Good grief. If I did not drill my daughter last summer with addition and subtraction worksheets and cards, her math would have deteriorated because she really did not know it well enough to be able to answer the simplest addition and subtraction questions. Math is not like reading, you have to know it and you can’t guess. That takes practice and rote memorization, period.
- Worrying about our children’s self-esteem – I am conflicted on this one. Yes, I am like every western parent, praising my daughter for every little thing. Of course, this is why this Generation X and Y expects so much for doing so little. Everything is “good job” this and “good job” that, everyone gets a medal for just showing up. I remember a couple of years ago, I entered my daughter into her first chess tournament, She refused to go inside without me. Try as I may I could not get her to go. There was another family from Dalton whose son did not want to go in either so they let them play a game outside the room. At the end, Dalton father asked the Chess tournament director if the kids could have a medal. The look on the guy’s face was one of shock like you want to give the kids a medal for doing what. I said nothing but it seemed inappropriate to get into with Type A Dalton Dad. So he came back with the medals and said point blank to the children “next time, you will go into the room to compete, right.” My daughter was excited to get the medal and I pulled her aside after we left school and told her she really did not deserve the medal because she did not really earn it. She cried and told me I was mean. I have no idea what Dalton Dad was thinking but those kids should not have gotten a medal.
- Playing the Piano or violin – I agree with this one but bad parent me, I can’t figure out when to get piano lessons in during the week and how I am going to fit a small piano into my one bedroom apartment. For the record, both my sister and I took piano and violin lessons respectively and we were bad and because my parents let us stop taking it, we never got good. It’s the one regret I have is that I can’t play the piano and that my parents should have never let us quit.
I am looking forward to the book, I will get back to you as there is more to the story since the article and subsequent media tour to promote the book.
Have you read the book? What do you think?
P.S. the oldest daughter is off to an Ivy League school and both daughters play the piano perfectly.
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Loved your breakdown of her key points, and I agree – while her “style” may be too harsh, I do think she has some good points and clearly her method is a successful one. Sure, the kids may need years of therapy as an adult, but who doesn’t? Haha. But seriously though, I see a lot of value in what she is doing with her girls.
lol @ the story of the kids getting the medal, and the look of shock on the guy’s face. I bet Dalton guy did not pull his son aside and tell him the same – so the message that boy got was that it’s okay not to do the very best you can, and you will still be rewarded the same.
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