“Is that the good gay or the bad gay?” – 4 Tips on How to Respond

“Is that the good gay or the bad gay?”  my daughter asked me recently.   And did this random, left field question come from you ask, scratching your head.  She just happened to be scrolling the DVR schedule and  clicked on a taped episode of Glee just as  Kurt says “gay.”  I had to scramble to turn off the television before it continued onto more inappropriateness. Imagine that comedic fumbling as i lunged for the remote.

Before you reprimand me, I have not allowed my daughter to watch Glee since the first season when the show story lines went way over the top.  This means I have to watch it after she goes to bed and delete it, alas I just forgot to delete this episode.

I know I shouldn’t have been to taken aback by the question or that she has heard the term “gay” before, this is New York after all. In pre-school, there were families with two mommies or two daddies. And my blog husband, Daddy Mitch (gaynycdad.com) is a gay dad with a partner of 18 years. That said, I have never used that term to describe my gay friends and gay parents. I have no idea why, they are just parents or people to me, there is really is no reason to put an adjective on it.

Here are my suggestions because even if you aren’t raising your kids in the big bad city, it will eventually come up and I hope that whatever your beliefs are, you are thoughtful in your comments.

1. Don’t React – This would be the case for any question that you are not expecting  (i.e. questions about sex.) Her question, did throw me but I kept my “OMG” face to a somewhat calm demeanor but I was thinking “Where are we going with this line of questioning?

2. Find out where the question is coming from – I have never used the word gay  in front of her so I know it wasn’t me.

“Before I answer, where did you hear those words?”  I asked
“During lunch,  one of the older kids called “M”  gay.” she said. (I knew who she was referring as there is much speculation as to whether the kid she referenced might be gay but frankly who knows, he is 7 for god’s sake.)
“Did they say it in a mean way?”
“Yes, so that’s the bad gay, right?”
“Yes, when someone says in a mean way or you can tell their tone is mean, yes. It’s like when someone says you are adopted but in a mean tone. Does that make sense?” I tried ever so lightly not to continue  but just stopped talking.
“Yes, it does.” my daughter pondered but I could tell she got it.

3. Keep It Simple – As you know the experts say, only answer the question that is asked of you and I agree which is against my nature. Answer the question and move on. I resisted saying that x parents are gay or y parents are gay to give her some context but seemed like to much information and I did not want to put a label on anyone.

4. Use this as a teachable moment about bullying and Name Calling – When my daughter tells me about name calling or bullying at school, I try to emphasize that there are mean kids and they aren’t going away and you need to look out for your friends.