I am re- running this post because I recently saw Alec Mapa on the View last week. You probably recognize him from his Ugly Betty role as the gossip reporter.
Two funny hilarious points he made. He talked about his husband and 5-year-old foster /adopted son. “My husband’s white, I’m Asian, and my son is black. We look like the last two minutes of It’s a Small World” and where is your son is from, Ethiopia, Ghana, Malawi, no, he’s from Compton.”
And I agree. Maybe it’s Angelina and Brad adopting children from Cambodia, Vietnam Ethiopia, or Madonna’s adopting from Malawi or the vast number of little Chinese girls and their white parents dotting (who am I kidding, it’s more like over running) the upper east side that people are somewhat taken aback that I adopted from that international hot spot, Philadelphia.
When I tell people that I adopted my daughter, they invariably ask “where did you adopt her from?”
I, of course, say,” Philadelphia.” Then comes the rather quizzical momentary stare and you can see it there eyes, “that can’t be” and they always respond ” really” or “oh”, like this is unheard of phenemonon. Adopting domestically. Who does that?
I guess they think that I am going to say say Haiti or Ethipia, I am not sure what they think.
And for the record, it’s isn’t just white people but black folks who get that look, too.
I just don’t know what to make of this reaction. As the non-confrontational person that I am, I just move the conversation along.
Any thoughts???
Here is the only snippet from the show, unfortunately, they did not include the bit about his husband and son but it’s pretty darn funny.
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I don't really fully understand this, either, but we get the same thing. We're white and our daughter is biracial. Many people around here seem to ask partially because they can't easily fit her into an ethnic or racial category just by looking at her. We live where nearly 50% of the population is hispanic and some people assume she is hispanic so we also get surprised responses when people find out she is black and caucasion. We do just as you do… name the town where she was born. Also, just as you said, we get looks of surprise. People then ask us how old she was when we got her and we say "four hours… we got stuck in a traffic jam driving to the hospital". That brings on even more strange looks… not just domestic adoption but a BABY…. one you knew was coming…. gasp! I've also noticed that people seem to have a hierarchy of how they view adoption. We know many adoptive families… people we've known since before any of us adopted… and it seems like people view international adoption most highly, then adoption from foster care, then domestic infant adoption. I think it has to do with people's desire to hear an interesting story and to subscribe some sort of "rescue" mentality to adoption. I can't tell you how it bothers me when people view the primary goal of adoption as somehow "saving" a child, because to us it's not that at all…. it's just the way our family was created, and no matter the child's situation I don't like to think that parents who adopt are heroes… we are just parents. I don't like the light it places the kids or the families in, as in making the child seem like a victim who needed rescuing by somehow superior or selfless people rather than just a child who became a part of a family. It never used to bother me much, but now that she is getting a little older and trying to wrap her mind around the whole adoption thing, the race thing, etc. it is starting to bother me that she may feel singled out. OK, rant over. I so seldom see this addressed that I just had to respond!
We also get the same questions: where did you adopt your daughter from? We always say "San Diego" because that's where she was born. Hey a "true" San Diegan, not a transplant like me! Boy, when people see us out that do a double take. Here we have a long-haired white Dad, a dark haired 100% Italian Mom, and a small African-American girl. CD is right. I don't feel like a hero, I feel like a parent…yay!! 🙂 There are so many children in our very own cities that need a loving home, that's why we adopted domestically. And we are going to do it again!
I just can NOT believe that you get responses like that! People are way too narrow-minded. Like what, children in the US of A don’t need to be loved, cared for, and taken in by someone who is ready, willing, and able.
I applaud you *claps hand* for adopting domestically. And judging by the other posts that I have read from this blog, you are doing a FANTASTIC job. From the extracurricular activities to the summer camp, your daughter is lucky to have you.
I didn’t get a chance to include this in the weekend link roundup last week (I forgot to check back to see if anyone else added to our list…oops!), but this is DEFINITELY going in today!
Enjoyed meeting you at blissdom! This is a fabulous post on adoption. We are in the process of domestic adoption and are already astounded by some of the comments. Looking forward to reading through your blog
Great meeting with you too, I will visit your blog today. Its hard getting back into it. Good luck with the adoption process.
Hello! Great post.
Children around the world and of all nationalities need help and adoption.
I’m living in Brazil only two years and I contribute to an orphanage and am adoptive mother of 10 Brazilians children. When to take a walk with them, people ask: Are your students? I give a big smile and say: — No, these are my children.
Answers and questions are funny, the main are:
— You can not have children? (Yes, I can, have baby Hannah), or:
— But you are so young to adopt so many children!
Of course I’m ‘adoptive mother’, that is the opposite of having “adoptive children”.
I’ve just been chosen by them to be a ‘mother’ until they finish their studies and be able to leave the orphanage to independent living , I help with resources and mainly care for them can feel have someone who can offer moments like a mother and father (My husband is active in help too).
It’s a wonderful experience for us and for them.
I give you congratulations, your attitude is worthy.
With love, (Sorry my bad english)
Adelle
Love the post. My parents were foster parents and eventually adopted 3 children. I look forwrd to being in a position to adopt domestically too.
You can’t win either way. An acquaintance did adopt internationally a boy and the mean ladies next to us at McDonald’s made snide comments about how atrocious it was to adopt internationally and ripping the child from their culture.
The mean ladies from McDonalds should mind their Big Macs and leave an adoptive parent and their child alone.
What if you nicely asked in reply, “Where are you from?” It might get the conversation going…
Love this post – definitely made me chuckle! I would love to be there when you answer this question just to see the other person react 🙂
Thanks for the blog post:) It helps bring awareness we need:)
annejk112233